Interpersonal conflicts are almost
inevitable in various contexts. Because people make mistakes and different
person holds different opinions and stands. We may run into conflicts not only with
people we do not know very well but also with people we love - friends or
family members. The most recent conflict I have had is with one of my friends
during the Chinese New Year.
As most overseas Chinese students do during
Chinese New Year, I gather together with a bunch of friends. Eating, drinking and
playing games to celebrate Chinese New Year. To us, this is much more than a party.
Because in China Chinese New Year is a time for people to go home and be
company to family members and relatives after a long-year’s work not matter
well done or otherwise. For many people this is the only chance in a year to
cultivate their family ties which are essential in Chinese culture. When my
friends and I celebrate Chinese New Year together, we see each other more than just
a friend but as a substitute of our respective family members who are thousands
of miles away.
The conflict occurred when I was playing a
role-playing game with my friends during the Chinese New Year gathering. Each of
us was assigned a role and the whole group was divided into a few parties. Only
one party could win the game by defeating the rest. The game was supposed to be
for fun but after a while me and another friend of mine (let’s call him John)
got too involved in the game and we became very serious. John was in party A
and I was in party B. Each of us was trying to ally with another friend (let’s
call him Simon) who was in party C. Whoever lost the alliance was most likely
to lose the game. John was trying to convince Simon that allying with him could
bring Simon the most benefit. And I was trying to do the same for myself too. As
the “campaign” went on, conversations turned into arguments. I and John started
pointing fingers to each other and trying to show that the other’s viewpoint
was completely biased and wrong. Then, both of us felt offended and annoyed by
the other. The more annoying and offended we felt, the worsen language we used.
The worsen language used, the more annoying and offended we felt. The cycle went
on and situation was really bad.
I think the cause of the conflict was that both
of us were too involved in the game and we didn’t have the empathy to understand
the rightness of the other’s desire to win. We only thought about our own eager
to win and ignored the other’s feeling.
To some extent, John and I were in a family.
Still we had this conflict. I think empathy is very important in avoiding this
kind of conflict. But while in this conflict, what are the effective
communication skills needed to resolve the awkward and intense situation and subsequently
fix the friendship?
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ReplyDeleteHey Zhou
ReplyDeleteThe game you were playing with your friends seems pretty exciting, though it may not have ended desirably! Growing up in Singapore, I have come to understand the significance of family when it comes to the Chinese New Year (CNY) celebrations. Seeing that your friends were a close substitute for your family this year around, I can truly empathize with the remorse you feel for falling out with John.
However I feel that a fight during a game should definitely not result in severing your friendship with him. Reading the context, the fight does not seem to be based on serious conflicting issues and most definitely can be resolved if you were to put to in the effort.
Since the argument has already occurred, though it could have been prevented, you should look at how you can help this situation now. If I were to be in your situation,I would bring the issue up with John and make light of the situation and actually laugh about what happened. Laughing about it will ease the tension. It would, possibly, help both of you in realizing that being so engrossed in the game was why the argument even started. Apologizing for using those words against John, will also show that you truly value his friendship.
It might be difficult to address the issue, but you should not let it drag out for too long.
Well, some grammar mistakes that I noted:
1) different person holds different opinions and stands --> different people hold different opinions (you can omit stands as having a stand would mean having an opinion on whichever issue)
2) me and another friend of mine --> one of my friends (since you have already mentioned playing with friends) and I
3) worsened language --> vulgar language/ profanities
I hope your conflict with your friend will be resolved soon!
Cheers!
I think what you can do is to initiate an apology to break the ice, while explaining that you don't really mean what you said (the profanities that has been used) because you are carried away by your anger. I am sure that he will apologize too afterwards since the problem is caused by something that is trivial and he is carried away by his anger too. Afterwards, I think you can deviate the topic to something else that is lighter and joke with him like how you usually do. Hope everything will be ok soon :)
ReplyDeleteSome mistakes that I picked up:
1)different person holds different.. --> different people (I think the use of people is more appropriate here)
2)during the Chinese New Year --> during Chinese New Year (I think the use of 'the' unnecessary here, if I'm not wrong the use of 'the' is for eg. during the festive, during the CNY period.)
3)Eating, drinking.... to celebrate Chinese New Year. --> not a proper sentence, need a subject in front.
4)As most overseas Chinese students do during Chinese New Year, I gather... --> As what most Chinese students in Singapore do during CNY, I gathered... (past tense)
5)To us, this is much more than a party. Because in China Chinese New Year is a time ... work not matter well done or otherwise. --> To us, this is much more than a party because in China, CNY is a time .. work, regardless of their wealth background.
(The use of because here must be continuous from the previous sentence. I think it's ok to start a sentence with "because", but you just have to make sure you're writing complete sentences and not sentence fragments.)
6)And I was trying to do the same for myself too. -- > "and" is a conjunction and cannot be used at the start of the sentence.
7)I and John -- > John and I
8)The more annoying and offended we felt, the worsen language we used --> ... the worsen the language... (The correlative comparative is a paired construction, and each clause is syntactically alike.)
9)The cycle went on and situation was really bad. --> the situation
10)We only thought about our own eager to win ---> eagerness (eager is a verb, we should use a noun here)
11)To some extent, John and I were in a family. Still we had this conflict -- > To some extent, John and I is family-related, but we still had this conflict.
12)But while in this conflict, .. -> But cannot be used at the start of the sentence as it is a conjunction
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ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this scenario with us, Zhou. It's recent, so we have a strong sense of "being there." What leaves me a bit baffled is that you don't explain the objective or the rules of the game more than to say that "Only one party could win the game by defeating the rest." You also mention that "Each of us was trying to ally with another." But that still doesn't clarify the process for me.
ReplyDeleteI can understand that emotions were involved, and that you were all excited, and after drinking, probably primed for conflict. Still, without understanding the game better, I can't get a feel for how the conflict developed within that context.
There are also a few problems related to language that your readers missed. The ones that stand out to me are all related to incomplete sentences, which cannot stand alone:
-- Because people make mistakes and different person holds different opinions and stands.
-- Eating, drinking and playing games to celebrate Chinese New Year.
-- Because in China Chinese New Year is a time for people to go home and be company to family members and relatives after a long-year’s work not matter well done or otherwise.
This post can be improved, Zhou, and the beauty of blogging is that if you want to do that, you can.
Thanks for the effort!
Hi Joe, having spent the entire week celebrating chinese new year too, I can personally relate to your post! It is easy to lose ourselves in the CNY celebratory mood, as everyone is in high spirits.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, I find that a frank, sincere apology in private would ease the situation. Since you and John are as close as family, it should be easier to admit to these negative emotions, and come to a mutual resolution. Close friendships are important, so do not let this conflict fray your personal friendship! After all, it was just a CNY game.
Regarding Brad's comment on your incomplete sentences, I have a suggestion which you might find useful. Perhaps, several of your incomplete sentences can be corrected using appropriate punctuation.
For example,
In the incomplete sentence in the opening of your essay, you could have used either a comma, or a period to link the sentences.
With the comma,
"Interpersonal conflicts are almost inevitable in various contexts, because people make mistakes and different people hold different opinions and stands."
With the period,
"Interpersonal conflicts are almost inevitable in various contexts: people make mistakes and different people hold different opinions and stands."
All the best, Joe!